Thinking about my identity vol.2
Den-Haag, Holland. I was walking in quiet residential district with heavy
luggage. It's gusty, looked going to be rain. I had looked for a hotel
for almost an hour and finally found it along the street. It's hardly known
as a hotel. Because small sign board which said "Vacancy" was
hang on the door knob quite passively. In front of the old wooden white
door, I rang the bell. No answers. I was almost giving up and rang the
3rd bell. The door was slightly opened and a woman stuck out her face.
She looked like age mid thirties and skinny. Her hair wasn't brushed. She
had blank looking eyes and deep shade under the eyes. I felt she was not
normal for first look. As I guessed, smell of marijuana filled in the house.
I hesitated to stay or not at first. But I finally decided to have a room
in the hotel. Any way, I didn't wanna walk any more.
The woman took me to the room. "I don't have any ID because I got
theft today. Is it OK with paying room charge right now?"I asked her.
She was never interested in the case of theft. In stead of that, she stuck
out her palm and just said "Money" So I put the bills on her
palm. She took it in her pocket quickly and stuck out the palm again saying
"Tip. Gimea tip baby" "Excuse me?" I asked her again.
I couldn't find any reason tipping her. "Tip? For what?" I asked
her. Then her face turned into begging one and suddenly she cried. "Please,
baby. Gime a tip" "No, I'll never give you a tip. Or I will cancel
the room. Give the charge back to me, uh?" I said strongly. "Yeah,
yeah, OK. I understand. But please, put some Guilders under the carpet
secretly tomorrow morning." She turned over the carpet in the corner
of room with saying it. "If my husband find it, he would take 'em
all." I had no mind to do that. But I answered "Yes. I will"
because I was so exhausted to continue that kind of vacant conversation.
"Thanks, honey" She kissed me with her marijuana smelled lips.
I laid down on the bed. "Reissuing passport, reporting to police,
negotiation for air ticket ... there are lot of things to clear from tomorrow"
Then I felt strong anger to my carelessness. "Well, this might be
a bad dream. I should sleep now. Maybe I'm gonna be back to the real world
much better than this when I get up" I made me believe like that and
slept covering up myself with bed sheets.
How long had I slept? I was woke up with the sound of leaves hitting the
window. To my disappointment, the world didn't change at all . I pinched
my cheek. "Ouch!" It must not dream this tough world" It's
8 o'clock in the night. However, the out side still had enough light. The
longer day time was really hard to me. The darkness of night could make
me forget bad things.
I noticed that I hadn't eaten anything on the day. So I stopped by a small
diner on the pier. At the self service counter, I asked for put the pickled
herring within the bread. I sat at the table. I saw swelling North sea
and gray sky through the window. The splash and rain drops hit the window
together. It's hardly believed that it was summer landscape .... so desolate.
"I could go to the easier world than here if I get into the stormy
sea" I thought so without joking. At the table face to me, the family
was having dinner. The child who looked some 5 years old was pointing to
me and telling something his parents. "The man puts the raw fish in
the sandwich" I heard like that. Certainly, my sandwich looked so
grotesque. I wonder if it wasn't normal way to eat it. The pickled herring
still had whole shape of fish. And it was glittering in dulling silver
like the waves of North sea.
Stormy wind never settled down. Under the dark gray sky, the banners of
the white walled houses on the bank looked to be torn off. Low clouds flew
over extremely fast.
On the way back to the hotel, I was walking with putting my hands in my
pockets of short pants and shrugging my shoulders.
I had very strange feel. "What is this floating feel? I'm not anybody
now. I don't have any identification. I have floated up from any society"
At first, I felt anxiety hardly explain. Then, I felt freedom as if I was
released from huge restraint.
"Egg cell " Staten Island, New York, USA 1995