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Thinking about my identity vol.2

Den-Haag, Holland. I was walking in quiet residential district with heavy luggage. It's gusty, looked going to be rain. I had looked for a hotel for almost an hour and finally found it along the street. It's hardly known as a hotel. Because small sign board which said "Vacancy" was hang on the door knob quite passively. In front of the old wooden white door, I rang the bell. No answers. I was almost giving up and rang the 3rd bell. The door was slightly opened and a woman stuck out her face. She looked like age mid thirties and skinny. Her hair wasn't brushed. She had blank looking eyes and deep shade under the eyes. I felt she was not normal for first look. As I guessed, smell of marijuana filled in the house. I hesitated to stay or not at first. But I finally decided to have a room in the hotel. Any way, I didn't wanna walk any more.

The woman took me to the room. "I don't have any ID because I got theft today. Is it OK with paying room charge right now?"I asked her. She was never interested in the case of theft. In stead of that, she stuck out her palm and just said "Money" So I put the bills on her palm. She took it in her pocket quickly and stuck out the palm again saying "Tip. Gimea tip baby" "Excuse me?" I asked her again. I couldn't find any reason tipping her. "Tip? For what?" I asked her. Then her face turned into begging one and suddenly she cried. "Please, baby. Gime a tip" "No, I'll never give you a tip. Or I will cancel the room. Give the charge back to me, uh?" I said strongly. "Yeah, yeah, OK. I understand. But please, put some Guilders under the carpet secretly tomorrow morning." She turned over the carpet in the corner of room with saying it. "If my husband find it, he would take 'em all." I had no mind to do that. But I answered "Yes. I will" because I was so exhausted to continue that kind of vacant conversation. "Thanks, honey" She kissed me with her marijuana smelled lips.

I laid down on the bed. "Reissuing passport, reporting to police, negotiation for air ticket ... there are lot of things to clear from tomorrow" Then I felt strong anger to my carelessness. "Well, this might be a bad dream. I should sleep now. Maybe I'm gonna be back to the real world much better than this when I get up" I made me believe like that and slept covering up myself with bed sheets.
How long had I slept? I was woke up with the sound of leaves hitting the window. To my disappointment, the world didn't change at all . I pinched my cheek. "Ouch!" It must not dream this tough world" It's 8 o'clock in the night. However, the out side still had enough light. The longer day time was really hard to me. The darkness of night could make me forget bad things.

I noticed that I hadn't eaten anything on the day. So I stopped by a small diner on the pier. At the self service counter, I asked for put the pickled herring within the bread. I sat at the table. I saw swelling North sea and gray sky through the window. The splash and rain drops hit the window together. It's hardly believed that it was summer landscape .... so desolate. "I could go to the easier world than here if I get into the stormy sea" I thought so without joking. At the table face to me, the family was having dinner. The child who looked some 5 years old was pointing to me and telling something his parents. "The man puts the raw fish in the sandwich" I heard like that. Certainly, my sandwich looked so grotesque. I wonder if it wasn't normal way to eat it. The pickled herring still had whole shape of fish. And it was glittering in dulling silver like the waves of North sea.

Stormy wind never settled down. Under the dark gray sky, the banners of the white walled houses on the bank looked to be torn off. Low clouds flew over extremely fast.
On the way back to the hotel, I was walking with putting my hands in my pockets of short pants and shrugging my shoulders.
I had very strange feel. "What is this floating feel? I'm not anybody now. I don't have any identification. I have floated up from any society" At first, I felt anxiety hardly explain. Then, I felt freedom as if I was released from huge restraint.

Jun. 2006

Today's piece
"Egg cell " Staten Island, New York, USA 1995

fumikatz osada photographie